Seas the day!!!!
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Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating