[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Every time.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”