*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
You Might Also Like
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.