90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else