earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Sunday
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour