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Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I can fix him.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Godspeed, John Glenn
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.