By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏