love pickles so much i put myself in one
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Incredible customer service.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.