In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
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Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
this has to be peak English
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.