“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I love twitter
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.