Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.