*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?