Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
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me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.