John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
This kid will have a bright future.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.