The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
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Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.