It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.