“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”