I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.