*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
You Might Also Like
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that