[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.