Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.