Always…
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe