I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.