[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
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Feel. He’s so soft.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One