[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
You Might Also Like
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!