Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
me refusing to leave twitter
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer