Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Welcome to the stomach
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin