If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”