God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle