No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Always 🥴
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich