Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Batman v Dracula
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.