– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳