Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I didn’t come here to be called names
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.