Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Bike is short for Bichael.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
They got a point!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.