If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.