Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.