Bless you
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me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
this will hang in the louvre one day
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?