Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.