*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.