If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
jesus, what did this guy do
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
checking out some reviews of my local library
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar