[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.