I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa