I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Why is no one talking about this?!
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken