Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
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Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game