Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.