ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
step 6: release the wall snake
I want what they have
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.