if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS