“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Liquor Store Parking
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??