Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Worth the read.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt