[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.